she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize