Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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