I'm gonna have a badass scar
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
