I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
