My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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