did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
