Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
