remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
