Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
