the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
