Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You have to summon your inner elephant
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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