i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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