She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
