Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
