someone get that fucking seahorse.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
