Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
