Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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