just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
