Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
