I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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