So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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