im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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