I wish I could punch you in the face.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
