DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Come on in and take your pants off
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