So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
