Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
