whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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