like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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