Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
my sisters under your porch take her home
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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