He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
