Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
