foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
