Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
