Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
