I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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