my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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