just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
