no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
