highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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