I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
