Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
