Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize