Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
