You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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