i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
