Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
