I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
