just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
