Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
