At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
