I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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