I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
