do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
