Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
