Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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