Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
