y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I will die if light touches me.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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