I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
