I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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