he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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